I am having a rough time. I am definitely not feeling like a super Mom or super anything really. I am very very unhappy in my job and that makes things rough. I also feel like I am not allowed to have any down time AT ALL. I take it trust me but then it seems like things suffer because of it. I just feel like there is always so much to do and I'm worn out. I'm tired of worrying about money and never having enough. And most of all, I miss my kids so much. They are with their Dad for their summer visit. They will be home next week and then go back to his house for one more week and then another week in August. I do see a light at the end of the summer visit tunnel but for right now today I am missing them terribly.
My 11 year old has been texting me today telling me all the drama that is going on over at their Dad's. Certainly not things I want them to have to deal with. What upsets me the most is hearing how Tyson is behaving. It makes me wonder if he is only good when I am around? I can control his behaviors somewhat when he is with me but here is what I am realizing today: It's his heart that needs to be changed. I am not around him all the time, he is entering high school this year and there will come a time very soon where he will go off to college and I won't be around very much at all. What happens then? Without me around to tell him what is right and wrong does he just go off like some kind of a heathen maniac? I hope not. I read yesterday that only God can change Tyson's heart. This is why I pray, this is why the 21 days and beyond of prayer are so important. So that my son's heart and your son's heart can be shaped according to God's will. So it can be filled with His spirit. So that when we aren't around to tell them how to behave they will know in their hearts what is right and wrong. I am crying out to God tonight to give Tyson's a heart that longs for Him, that longs to please Him and to do what is right and good and pleasing in His sight. I don't FEEL like I am doing anything but I KNOW that I am . God is listening. Even when I am discouraged and overwhelmed God hears my prayers.
Thank you for letting me vent. I don't have all the answers some days like today I don't feel like I have very many. But I know the one who does. As we continue praying the fruits of the spirit for our sons I am reminded that the joy and peace that come from the Lord are things that we have to choose to live in. I pray that you will CHOOSE to find the joy that comes only from focusing on Christ instead of our circumstances and that you will CHOOSE to rest in His peace.
I am praying for you.
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| Ready for these goof balls to come home! |
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I'm SO sorry that you're going through this. Being at former single mother myself, I too, wrestled with the guilt of me time - I even took to calling my cleaning, 'me time.' I also know the pain of your children acting out when they're away from you and dealing with drama at Daddy's house. Please know that I will be praying for YOU as well.
ReplyDeleteSatan loves to attack us right where it hurts when we're doing something that goes against what he (Satan) is trying to prevent in our children - growing closer to God.
Keep praying girl, and know that you are not alone. ;)